“When I was young, I’m trying to tell you I was dying to get old
Dying to escape the chill when the weather was cold
When I graduated from school, diploma dying to hold
Dying to sell a million records so I could travel the globe
But now I’m dying…” (b) – When My Day Comes
When I wrote that verse in the year 2000 and up until now, that’s one of the realest rhymes I had ever written (the entire verse). It was meant to be rapped off of Nas’ song “Purple” off of the mixtape titled “The Lost Tapes”. The hook went, “When the day comes along and I die, don’t cry for me.” It was both a literal and figurative explanation as to what I was experiencing in life from adolescence until that point. It detailed my desire to grow older and reach maturity; when the weather reached a specific temperature, my desire was to seek warmth to escape Jack Frost; being anxious to graduate from both high school and college in pursuit of life’s new adventures; and during my rap career, my desire to be successful and reap the rewards of being a well renowned artist. But taking into account that with the inhalation of every breath I was literally dying, which is true in all aspects. From the time we exit the womb of our mothers and come out of the fetal position, the stop watch begins for our eventual meeting with the Grim Reaper. It is our hope to live long and fulfilling lives; however circumstances beyond our control can extinguish those dreams and thoughts prematurely. At the point when those bars were written, and at many points in my life, I was at the crossroads between heaven and hell.
Have you ever been dehydrated and thirsty? Just think about that feeling when it pertains to life and your existence. Just like attempting to quench that thirst, think about constantly wondering what your purpose is in life. For all your intellect and accomplishments, you feel empty and unsatisfied. As my Solar Return Day arrives I am ravaged with fatigue. I grow tired of this existence and seek more from life. In the past when my birthday arrived I would celebrate with libations and endless partying. The celebration wouldn’t stop until I stated the festivities were over. As I’ve grown older, I interrogate myself; trying to ascertain if my new found growth and frequency elevation coincide with society today. For all the family and friends I’ve accumulated over the years, I struggle to understand why I feel so alone. As the saying goes, some people are here for a reason, others for a season. For all the words spoken, the lack of action proves paramount. In scripture, Solomon asked the Lord thy God for wisdom and was granted that and so much more because with wisdom comes sound decision making which leads to success and abundance. Since I was old enough to read and understand the Bible that’s all I’ve ever prayed for. We all crave the spotlight; the riches that comes with being atop of our chosen professions; acceptance and respect from our peers. I too desire those things but for different reasons. My sole purpose now is to enlighten those within my reach. I’d be lying if I didn’t want to be popular and well known. But I hunger for that only to use it for the purposes of helping others; no more. I’ve hung out with drug dealers and trigger chokers; taken an oath of silence and vowed never to reveal the secrets of the compass & square; and to that end the void has grown more massive between myself and the souls surrounding me. And for those that think my efforts are self-serving, they are far from knowing the essence of me.
From the posting of this blog, I will have 86,400 seconds to celebrate the sun and earth aligning in the precise position which summoned the exit from my mother’s womb. And for those now forty-three (43) years, there has been an ongoing, raging battle for my soul. And during that time, there have been junctures that were the determining factor between life and death. In college, it was Monica Paige who first saved me from the brink of destruction; she will never know how much I appreciate and cherish our friendship. She was the first to display what being a “friend” was all about. Then it was my cousin Byron Kendrick. After the death of his brother, I was charged with ensuring that anything he needed, support, an attentive ear, a helping hand, my duty was to be there for him. But as the calendar changed from year to year, it was more that I needed him than vice-versa. Unbeknownst to him, he kept me alive; every time I wanted to give up, I’d think of him and what he endured losing his older sibling, and didn’t want to disappoint him by no longer being there. I had to be an example as to why you shouldn’t give up even when the odds are stacked against you. Lastly, my daughter is my shining light in this chasm of darkness. I so desperately want her to achieve greater heights than I was ever able to. I don’t want her dreams to be deterred by the opinions of others. She needs her father and I need her to keep me going. If you were to follow me on social media, were to read my previous blogs and posts, and didn’t truly understand my persona, I know it could appear that I’m standoffish and conceited. That’s never my intent. My sole purpose is be a better person and share whatever information I can to enhance the lives of others; nothing more. Life, like the waters of the Gulf of Mexico, ebbs and flows. High tide is signified by the elation of life’s successes; low tide is symbolized by your failures and inability to overcome them. I only exist to spread love and information; not to be better than anyone as I struggle to be a better man daily while staring at the reflection in the mirror. September 15th to many is just another day; in some aspects I began feeling that way also. Despite my best efforts I didn’t think my voice was ever being heard. However, through my existence, if I’m able to change one opinion; get one person to think and decide that they too would like to make a difference in society, then my effort wasn’t in vain. I’ve made my share of mistakes; in my quest to be the perfect man, son, father, husband, employee, etc., I discovered my desire for perfection only magnified my faults; which in turn has made me a better person. My promise to those of you reading this, the font that jumps off the page of my writings; my voice heard via the internet; anything I ever do will be 100% authentic, genuine and sincere. I have no one to impress; I live for those that I’ve previously mentioned, honor those that want the same in return and respect those that aspire to change the world. I love you all! Happy Birthday to me. I will now have the song below play on an endless loop as I sip cognac and plot on how to further my growth and development. Listen to the instruments as the song reaches its climax; the melodic tone of the featured artist voice as she closes. “Smoking Champagne!” Namaste! “We Are The Change!” I’m gone! (b)
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